here it is: straight from my journal
i figure i could share the semi-good things ive written cuz if i die or dont how would people know im not all bad. so here it is.. the … means i skipped some stuff
… i’ve always thought my poems were too horible to be written down on paper. my poems don’t need to kill trees they aren’t that great. i want to make a difference, be useful to someone. … Usually when people talk to me the smile fades away things get serious people around look then walk away like they would rather be someplace else. I used to be funny used to make smiles shine but i don’t.
…The thoughts haven’t been suicidal just a lot of “I can’t..” and “I’m never gonna..” thoughts. … I haven’t been happy for a long time. Even when i’m smiling something’s tell me to stop, that you’re only laughing with yourself..you’re not funny. I dont know how to end this on a good note so i could have a sweet dream. i try to read but i can barely finish books these days. im always on the computer playin games. … I need some ideas for things to write about. Something positibe maybe even inspiring but im not an inspiring role model to anyone. I still have that im-gonna-fail mentality, i dont see me passing the SAT or getting my driver’s learner’s permit anytime soon. I don’t think anyone’s gonna hire me for a job either when im 16. I hope i can get my white belt in taekwondo i dont have the confidence but my friends believe i can do it. She said: I bet you break the crap outta that board. That made me so happy 😀 knowing that she believes i can do it. … I’m scared that i might not have a talent besides talking to myself. and staring into space. I dont think writng poetry can be considered as a job if nobody is going to read it. … I’m gonna read all entries again before i go to sleep. See if i’ve made good progress. Maybe I’ve become more positive with my writing.