everything on my mind, that i cant say to anyone
in my head im thinking i should just shut up, no ones going to care. but i come back and see no one does care, but i care enough to come back. in my head im thinking i should talk to someone, and then i try to talk to someone and i dont know what to say
in my head im hoping everyone is alright and i see on one side everything is fine but on the other side nothing is going right, everythwing is changing
i keep saying that i will do this and that and then the day comes and i end up doing nothing, ive made lists, set alarms but in the end nothing really gets accomplished. the things i manage to do is listen to different songs and sometimes i barely remember to support my friend by watching a show, and when i remember its the next day and the shows already done.
the first thing on my mind is suicide. the second thing on my mind is criticism. the things on my mind cant be numbered im thinking too much for it to make sense.
i followed the idea of a friend who told me write down all of the positive things everyone has said about you and start to believe in it because all of those people cant be wrong.
ive wanted to do a post about the words of friends. quoting some of the awesome things my friends have told me, but i have never gotten around to putting everything together, there is a lot.
if it wouldnt do anything wrong, this is what i would tell you right now:
im sorry for not being around and not being what you want.
i wish my heart would stop.
i want to talk about why im sad, mad, scared, dissapointed. it doesnt matter though. then i’d be just like a person ranting or something. i dont want to be that person.
i dont want to have to say something, just to get a reaction and to feel noticed. i know that if i just left no one would notice though.
closed my eyes, thought, and typed:
the thought that i want to get across to you isnt that im suicidal, the thought i want to get across to you isnt that im alone and have no one to talk to, the thought that i want to get across right now isnt anything im just typing my thoughts out for this one post only, then i hope to have more structured things to give.
comparing yourself to others wont do anyone justice, i do that alot. i compare numbers, features, skills, abilities, and realize how much i dont have. and even if i compare myself to a baby i dont want to be put above anyone, because im not above anyone. and everyone isnt the same, i cant play the piano, or the violin, or the viola, i cant play soccer, or flag football, or skateboard.
im not talented.
im a negative person but i try to motivate others. i try to be a listener if i can. even though i dont think much of myself i think you are awesome.
i would write a draft on paper and then type it up, but now i need the paper for homework or to take notes. and ive ran out of paper.
i couldnt even do the 10 minutes a day that i wanted to, i stopped praying as well. i never woke up early unless i had to and not even on weekends. i sleep the day away if i dont have class or homework to do. i tr to motivate others not with my actions but with my words. my words are really the only thing i have because if i said nothing then i wouldnt be heard. my actions may speak louder than my words but anyone can act. im not important.
i cant handle the stress, or pressure or confrontation, that comes with having friends. my friends are still online. i watch things fly by in seconds of time. im dealing with nothing in particular but since im watching everyone else make updates, add pictures, and videos, laughing, and smiling i feel like im dealing with me against the world. and in my dreams its not the opposite, its not a happy ending my dreams intensify these feelings times 100 and then i go to reality where its not that bad but its still the same.
i dont even know what gets me through the day, i can go days without talking because im behind a screen. but really im saying alot by what im doing in my own home. im on the computer all day, when i could be cleaning or reading a book or watching a movie.
im trying to find a job, if im on the computer all day will i be ready to adjust to doing other things?
ive considered giving all my things away, i dont watch tv, i dont have people that talk to me on a regular basis, i dont really read anymore either. i wouldnt mind being homeless, wandering the streets. there is nothing i want more than to die really. and if i need to eat, well something will work out.
thats just an idea i will never go through with. since im in college, and my mom is trying really hard to get me through it, im doing the best i can with it.
im going to aim to become a social worker that is one thing i wont change.
i also wont change my favorite color or my favorite word. orange and awesome.
i think no one would care. i think i dont have enough importance. i think i should make everyone happy.
i want to pay it forward. learn what i need to do. i want to be motivated to do things.
in the end as in the beginning i am a nobody, just the background,
name something not important or useless. i bet you could use it for art. someone less fortunate would treasure it.
im just going to go sleep, too many things on my mind and i dont know what to do. on my to do list ive only got one thing done, i guess the rest is for tomorrow..
thanks for listening.