why cant I just stay? why do I have to think about giving up or killing myself?
I don’t want to think about the logical reason behind it, I just want to get it over with.
right now im mad, and talking about it to people is just going to give me advice that I probably wont even follow, I could give up and disappear for a bit but I always come back and if I want to go so bad, why do I come back? im the worst kind of person there is.
there are too many thoughts going in my mind to write them all, I really wish that I could type faster and if I said these things out loud it wouldn’t be easy to understand. who am I mad at? I don’t know. what do I want to do? die, and I know I couldn’t handle it. ive imagined it and its going to be just like the movies, the people about to do it start crying and they back out.. the only time it actually works is if it’s a life or death situation for a family member.
who encourages their friend to kill themselves? apparently I do while at the same time trying to stop it. what the hell is wrong with me?
I don’t really know what else to say about the things going on in my mind at the moment, I thought writing about it would help but it’s not doing anything.
Sometimes I really wish for a phone call. I wish to talk to a friend that I haven’t talked to in a very long time. But everyone is busy, or there is another person there and the friend is not available.
I want to go live on the street and die in the street , maybe that treatment would be better for me. because I apparently cant handle the good things that I have going on.
those who live by the sword die by the sword, where can I get a sword from? im ready to go now.
I used to be so ready to die that I used to read a lot of those: hi my name is ___ im ____ and if you don’t do ______ by ______ I will come into your house and kill you stories the : if you don’t do_____ you will have bad luck for ____ or you will get bad news ________ .
those craps don’t work.. i’d be dead already.
I used to drink random things, just a little, then I would panic and drink water or eat a lot of ice to get rid of the taste, but I would never tell anyone about it, except for a few online friends. and they would tell me get help.. or ask me what’s wrong with me..
im in love, so I should be happy but im not. Im not happy, not because of the person but because of me, I don’t even know why im not happy. I keep wishing that I was dead even when im talking to them. and they honestly make everything awesome. I guess im just not awesome…
I hate myself, I love my friends, I don’t care about my family. That’s who I am.
I wish someone would kill me sometimes. If all the suicidal people in the world could get together, and we all agreed we wanted to kill ourselves, it’d be a mass suicide thing and then the world would maybe get better or something because not a lot of money would have to go towards psychiatrists, and hospitals could spend less on psych wards.
I don’t know what else to say, im not really upset anymore, but I know im not done. there is still a lot on my mind, it just escaped me.
can I really be trusted? with a job? with a car? with a life? with a friend? if I honestly want to die, should I even be helping other people? I don’t even know myself…
maybe another time… I kind of wrote a lot today. I hope that holds you until next time.