Fly1623's Blog…..I like Cake

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Conversation With A Stranger. Subject: Depressed


You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You and the stranger both like depressed.

You: hi

Stranger: you ok?

You: kind of.  are you?

Stranger: yeah! im jsut here to help, do you want to talk? kindof okay is far from good.

You: im never good

Stranger: talk about it (:

You: did you have a good day today?

Stranger: yeah, it was okay! watched a movie with ym dad and ate chinese. I’ve been clean (self harm) for months, but i know how it feels to be depressed, and i know that its possible to be okay, because im okay now.

You: do you have hope for tomorrow?

Stranger: yeah!

Stranger: and you?

You: no

Stranger: and why not?

You: no reason to hope for anything

Stranger: why do you feel that way?

You: because the days dont get better, they dont get worse. they just go and go and go and go, and you just live and there is no reason for it

You: i dont want to live.

Stranger: what if i told you that i want you to live, but not only live, but i legitamently want you to be happy and to enjoy life

Stranger: and what if i told you that just meeting you now, not even knowing your name, i already think youre extremely important, and not only important, but youre beautiful.

Stranger: and i mean every word of it.

Stranger: my name is gracie by the way, whats your name?

You: it doesn’t mean anything.  not to say that you dont mean anything, you matter.     i just mean  if i dont believe it , it doesn’t mean anything. and even if you mean those words, i still dont want to live.

You: my name is Natalie

Stranger: im from canada, and i am in the 10th grade and i live in the city. i dont have alot of friends, and i attempted suiced 14 times last summer.

Stranger: i regret each and every time, and i felt the same way you do right now. It didnt matter what anyone said or did, i felt like the doctors were the enemy, my parents were the enemy and i just wanted them to let me do what i wanted with my life, but now i realize how important it is that they kept me alive.

Stranger: i need you to know that although it may take months, even years, you will be happy. and i need you to know that your life is important. right now, it isnt important to you, but its important to me. I hope that one day, itll be important to you too.

Stranger: and if someone who atttempted suiced 14 times can love their own life, let alone someone else’s life, you can too.

You: if its going to take that long, whats the point?

Stranger: the point? the point is that you get through it, and you eventually become happy, and enjoy life. You control how long it takes too. You start now in trying to enjoy life, and youll have bad days, probably mroe bad then good at first, but the fact is is that you will enjoy life, and thats the point. Itll be worth it trust me. if you ended it all today then youll never be happy.

Stranger: its like day and night, despite the fact that its dark 50% of the time, it gets brighter and its worth it.

Stranger: the point for me, living everyday, is that not only am i happy, but its also extremely important to me that other people dont have to go through what i went through, and if they are going through what i went through that they get better. i still have bad days.

Stranger: but i have good ones

Stranger: alot of good ones now.

Stranger: sometimes, when you finally see the light, so many things that you never realized were great, seem so much greater

Stranger: like your favourite tv show and nutella

Stranger: and the way your dog looks at you, and your favourite smell

Stranger: and friggin sliced bread is great!

Stranger: so many things are so much greater then they seem to be when you finally realize that they are worth living for

Stranger: try and smile right now, for me.

You: nothing is worth living for.   i feel like crying more than i am right now

Stranger: go ahead. im here for you. please please please try though. youre life matters to me. can i tell you about some of the things i love right now, things i never knew i loved? they make my days better. they seem small, but if they make m=five minutes of your day better, then they do something good.

Stranger: i wish i could do more to help you, i really do. do you want my email?

You: no its ok. you have helped im just hopeless.

Stranger: no you arent! theres always hope. i have hope for you.

Stranger: really, if you want i can email you every single day with some kind words or a funny picture or something, you dont have to respond.

Stranger: maybe just something you can rely on when you have bad days

Stranger: i dont want you to be sad.

You: ok

Stranger:                    EMAIL NOT SHOWN

Stranger: you can even add me on facebook, anything. skype? i just want you to know that im always here.

Stranger: you can tell me everything if you want. ill listen. and if you dont want to thats okay too. just something to help

You: i emailed you.

You: i just want to kill myself and say goodbye

Stranger: im logging into my email right now! please dont!

Stranger: dont do it pleasedont.

Stranger: you mean so much to me. ibarely know you but i think you are perfect.

Stranger: please just try, try really hard. think about things that are nice

Stranger: please be okay

Stranger: please know how important you are, you are a perfect human being and you deserve happiness

Stranger: natalie, youre so beautiful and so perfect. you need to be happy.

Stranger: please be okay. please try as hard as you can to be okay

Stranger: i love you and you should to.

Stranger: i mean every word i say.

Stranger: i think you’re a really great person and i want you to think youre great.

Stranger: i really want you to be happy.

Stranger: i reall really do.

You: i wish i could do it now. im so pathetic. i shouldn’t be breathing

Stranger: please don’t! you arent pathetic! every bretah you take is important

Stranger: youre beautiful and perfect in every way

Stranger: i want you to know how perfect you are. i know exactly how you feel. exactly.

Stranger: please just know how great you are. you need to know that im always here and i always will be. ill be yours to talk to forever.

Stranger: youre perfect.

Stranger: in so many ways, more then you think.

Stranger: you know whats kindof funny? do you know how many hospital bands i have?

Stranger: i think 338?

Stranger: thats a massive number. i have been admitted 338 times for depressing.

Stranger: but im okay and i need you to be okay to

Stranger: youll get through this

Stranger: natalie youre beautiful and you need to be happy

Stranger: you dont have to be so sad

Stranger: take three deep breaths okay

Stranger: and look at me, try really hard to be happy

Stranger: promise me you will

Stranger: i need you to.

Stranger: it really and truly hurts me to know that you are hurting

Stranger: i think back to the way i felt and i cant imagine someone else having to go through that

Stranger: im right here natalie.

Stranger: ill always be right here

Stranger: i know im miles and miles away from you but im so close. a touch of the button and im right here for you. i always will be

Stranger: i wouldnt do this for anyone but you. jsut meeting you i want you to be okay

Stranger: 3 deep breaths okay natalie?

Stranger: just be happy okay, jsut really focus on being happy.

Stranger: please ❤

Stranger: youre loved. i love you.

Stranger: more then you think. please know im right here for you.

Stranger: just please be okay. please try to be okay

Stranger: for me.

Stranger: for you too.

Stranger: youre a really beautiful person inside and out, and youre loved.

Stranger: i think you should be happy

Stranger: and i want you to be happy.

Stranger: youre life means so much to me

Stranger: and it should mean jsut as much to you if not more

Stranger: you’re especially extroardinary.

Stranger: you dont deserve to be so sad, you should be happy.

Stranger: everytime you feel upset, think about good things.

Stranger: really focus on being happy.

Stranger: you matter. alot okay?


Stranger: you are really really really awesome natalie

Stranger: youll get through this

Stranger: and when youre finally happy, you’ll realize how worth it it was.

Stranger: i jsut read your email, by the way, it came a little later then i thought, but i got it

Stranger: youre perfect okay?

Stranger: really really great. and you deserve happiness.

Stranger: i want you to be happy.

Stranger: i really just wish i could give you the biggest hug

You: im going to go to sleep now.

Stranger: Okay Natalie, but first i need you to promise me something.

Stranger: can you do that?

You: depends what it is. im not promising you im not going to kill myself

Stranger: Firstly, i NEED you to promise me you wont kill yourself. i need you to promise me that youre going to try really hard to be happy. When you wake up tommorrow morning, smile. Try really ahrd to be happy every morning

Stranger: every morning when you wake up you need to try even harder to be happy, until you really are happy. okay?

Stranger: And dont stop till youre happy, and then keep doing it.

You: no, im going to kill myself.  i’ll try to be happy but im not smiling

Stranger: Please dont Natalie. dont kill yourself.

Stranger: And try to smile. it’ll feel better then you think.

Stranger: and trying to be happy means you HAVE to wake up every morning.

You: im going to kill myself next year

Stranger: do it for the both of us.

Stranger: dont kill yoursself next year, not the year after, dont killl yourself ever.

You: its time i did the world a favor

Stranger: i did it 14 times natalie, goodbye notes and everything, and it killed everyone around me. When you end your own life, you dont just effect one life. you effect many. you effect me.

Stranger: okay, i worked so hard to be okay, but if you end your own life i might not be okay natalie.

Stranger: its not a favour, natalie. all of those hospital bands trying to be okay, but i might not be okay if you end your life.

You: why would you care?

Stranger: because youre one of the things that help me be okay now. jsut like nutella and warm blankets and my parents. i care because you really do matter, i care because ive been where you are, i care because i know what youre going through, i care because i dont think anyone deserves to feel the way that you feel right now, but most of all, i care because it just feels right to care.

Stranger: i care because you really are perfect.

Stranger: there are so many more reasons why i care natalie.

You: if i kill myself, you’d still live.

Stranger: but i might not be living happy, and it will definitely effect me, and alot more then you think.

Stranger: it would absalutely tear me apart that someone so special couldn’t  bear with life, and it wouls also tear me apart that i couldnt help them.

Stranger: it helps me to help you so i need you to let me help you.

Stranger: so please, promise me you wont kill yourself, that youll recover. Maybe talk to your guidance counselor at school and see if you can get help, because its so much harder doing things alone.

You: you have. im just hopeless.

Stranger: no, you arent hopeless, you have hope and you need to promise me you wont kill yourself.

You: i cant promise you that. im sorry to have wasted your time.

Stranger: you havent wasted my time.

Stranger: you can promise me that, youre in control of what you do with your life so please choose not to end it

You: im going to end it. ive already decided.

Stranger: you can change your mind natalie, its not a finite thing, you can choose to be alive, and you can choose to be happy. so please, please try.

Stranger: please promise me you wont kill yourself.

Stranger: its really important to me.

Stranger: ive meant every last thing ive said to you, i need you to promise me you will not end your life.

Stranger: please natalie.

Stranger: please.

Stranger: i am begging you please natalie.

You: im not going to mean it.

Stranger: please say it, please promise me and please mean it.

Stranger: do not end your life

You: no.

Stranger: please natalie

Stranger: i cant force you not to end your own life, but i can ask you not to, and i can beg you not to, and when i get home from my cottage, ill send you some pictures of me in the hospital, the pictures they took of my scars, if you want. you can see everything. you can know everything about my journey to happiness, and maybe itll help you. do you think that would help?

You: i dont know

Stranger: or maybe something less triggering, how about jokes and pictures that make me laugh? things that make me smile, and you can try to find things that make you smile too

You: i just want to say goodbye.

Stranger: then we can both smile. you dont have to say goodbye. dont end your life.

Stranger: ive been down that road too many times to see any one else take it too.

Stranger: i need you to feel better, and i need you to not end your life.

You: i wont end it tonight

Stranger: dont end it ever, natalie. not ever.

You: i cant promise that.

Stranger: but please promise me youll try. at least promise me that you will do everything you possibly can. PLEASE do everything in your power not to.

You: ok

Stranger: get help, talk to your friends, your parents your teachers your guidance councelor your dog your cat your neighbour, get your story out.

Stranger: eat food that tastes good, go for walks. walk ALOT.

Stranger: walking helps.

Stranger: more then you think.

Stranger: can you go for a little walk every day?

You: no

Stranger: around the block, or to school. why not?

You: i dont have a story. just an ending no one will let me finish.

Stranger: just talk about how you feel natalie. let people know youre struggling. get help natalie.

You: im tired of breaking down.

Stranger: thats why you have to work hard and get stronger so oyu dont break down! get help so people can support you, hellp you and saveyou from breaking down

You: i can never get stronger. ive always been weak

Stranger: i promise to help you, and to always help you, but someone you know personally in your everyday life might be able to help you more. what about your teachers?

You: i’ll talk to a friend. or try to.

Stranger: teachers are the best people to talk to because they know you so much betetr then you think, and they’re smart and they are trained and know how to deal with things.

Stranger: please talk to 3 people. 2 friends and one adult of your choice. okay?

You: i dont know

Stranger: youa rent weak natalie, youre strong and i can tell youre strong. and the more people you talk to the stronger youll become. at least try to natalie. and if not a friend. then at least an adult. it doesnt have to happen now, or tommorrow or the next day, you jsut have to eventually.because an adult will help you

Stranger: and i promise you i will helpr you every step of the way

You: i dont want to talk to an adult.

Stranger: i know you dont, neither did i, but once you do not only does it take alot of the weight off, but they can really help. they have aloy of experience and know what to do. theyll probably be more help then  a friend

You: then im not going to talk to my parents.

Stranger: sure, but talk to like a teacher or a guidance councelor, even your neighbour or an aunt.

You: ok.

Stranger: promise?

You: sort of

Stranger: okay well try to.

You: ok

Stranger: i want you to be happy natalie. i really do okay ❤

You: im not, but ok

Stranger: yes but you will one day becaause you promised me you’ll try. you said you wanted to sleep, would you like to talk more or would you like to get some rest?

You: i dont know. dont think you should go.

Stranger: okay well ill stay as long as you want me to. ❤

Stranger: do you feel a little bit better then you did before?

You: not really.

Stranger: not even a little bit?

You: no. my head hurts. i told a friend and worried them.

You: im afraid  i’ll hear sirens in a bit

Stranger: maybe take an advil or pain medicine? a glass of water. i think you should let your friend know that you are going to try to be happy and promise them aswell that youre going to try really hard.

Stranger: i think them worrying is good, its good that they care.

Stranger: dont be scared if you do end up hearing sirens. people in hospitals and ambulances are so nice, expecially to people who are sad. Their job is to make sure people are healthy and okay, so if you are sad, and you dont feel okay, they will help make you healthy and okay.

Stranger: ive been in the ambulance so many times.

You: can i quote this conversation?

Stranger: sure.

Stranger: anythign you want (:

You: k

Stranger: what were you thinking? out of curiosity.

You: what do you mean?

Stranger: like what are you quoting it for?

Stranger: it doesnt matter you can use it for anything you want, im just curious

You: people to read. maybe it might inspire people.

Stranger: oh, yeah thats a good idea!

Stranger: natalie, i think youre a really great person (: the idea that you want to inspire people and help people really makes me happy.

Stranger: lets try making a list of things you like right now

Stranger: oh my goodness! one sec im reading it.

You: ok

You: i didn’t put this one..

You: since we’re still talking.

Stranger: oh lol yeah i was reading one and was thinking ‘ this isnt us…’

Stranger: but its a nice concept, everyone helping each other out.

You: i write  there

Stranger: really? thats awesome. do you enjoy helping people?

You: sometimes.  i cant always handle it.

You: like this conversation, i would have gave up on me long time ago.

Stranger: i dont give up, its part of recovery. if you commit to something you cant give up. like getting better. youre not allowed to give up. you can have bad days, but the main idea is that you keep trying.

You: i always give up

Stranger: okay so that should be something you should try not doing. think about some things that you would like to do and dont give up till you achieve them lets pick 2 small things. for me right now would be always turning in my homework on time ( silly i know, i have this procrastination problem…:$) and going for a walk everyday for the rest of my life.

Stranger: because when i first started recovery, the doc said i had to walk everyday because its good for the mind.

Stranger: so what are two small things that you want to commit to doing, and really try not to give up on them

You: clean my room and practice piano

Stranger: okay! so lets commit to those two things. ill do it too, actually. keep my room clean, and for me its guitar. and when we email each other well keep tabs on how well were doing at committing to those things.

Stranger: sound good?

You: ok

Stranger: cool! okay now think of 3 things you like, things that might brighten your day. for me its tim hortons for breakfest ( tim horton is a canadian donut/coffee shop. its delicious!), lamps that make rooms feel warmer, and painting my nails. So if im having a bad day, i turn on my lamp, or paint my nails or eat a donut. lol it sounds silly i know but it helps!

Stranger: oh and singing i love to sing and play guitar. that brightens my day,

You: falling asleep

You: talking to friends, seeing birds, and feeding ducks

Stranger: those are awesome things to enjoy! so try and do like one of them or all of them everyday, and when your sad do them

You: im going to go, thank you for all your help.

Stranger: no problem natalie! sleep well and ill email you in the morning?

You: ok. thank you

Stranger: anytime ❤ youre perfect natalie.

You: im going to take out your email address when i copy the conversation, so you dont get spam

Stranger: okay, thank you for that!

Stranger: bye natalie! <#

Stranger: ❤ *

You: you’re beautiful

Stranger: thank you ❤ you are very beautiful too natalie

You: goodnight

Stranger: ngiht!

Stranger: night*

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