I’m not afraid to die, I just want to do it on my own terms. I don’t want to die doing something stupid like choking on food. I don’t want to die doing something useless. suicide is useful, I know mine will be. I wouldn’t mind if someone killed me, but I would like to know first. I want to realize that I won’t have anymore chances to say ‘goodbye’ , that the last paper I wrote or last post I created was finally the end, that I can no longer excuse myself from my problems.
People die all the time, it’s unfortunate. There are actually people that don’t want to live and wish they were dead 24/7 but do they die? no. some others die, people that didn’t even want to: friends, family, celebrities.
im afraid of getting hurt, I don’t care about appearance. im afraid of falling down, yet I am mentally prepared to taste my own blood. I mentally prepared by replaying the scene of the falling leaves and wind blowing at the end of every movie, near the end of every speech, to the fall of the final flower and tear. If they can make the body of an organ donor look nice, im sure they could do the same for a suicide.
that word puts a hole in my chest. many have done it. many have considered it.
there is help available, there isn’t anything to fear about getting help because there are resources available and even some free ones.
I want to die, but I don’t want you to. I know that’s hypocritical, but I don’t know how to explain it any other way. if I could talk to you right now, I would try my hardest to talk you out of it, and if I couldn’t I wouldn’t leave you alone, if you wanted a hug or needed comfort. I wish I could be there and actually help. From here, all I can offer is words. in a couple months, I could offer my voice, or even myself personally through videos. that’s something I want to do, even though I want to die.
there isn’t anything keeping me alive, nothing im waiting for, no one im hoping to see. Yes, there are things I want to do, people I want to see, but it’s not as enticing anymore. it doesn’t really make sense.