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plans


I plan on finishing my 2 year degree in college.

I plan on moving out of the house.

I plan on killing myself.

 

I have had plans of better things:

getting a masters degree in social work

volunteering more

living with a friend

going different places

 

But

Im not doing those plans anymore.

 

Whats going to happen when I die?   this site, and any other accounts I have on the internet will still remain active. I  wont have someone continue writing here. I wont have someone notify you of me dying.     the day of:  im not going to say goodbye, apologize, or even do a speech.

Why do I want to die? I don’t know. I still don’t think im going to have a good future. im not looking forward to getting older. im a hypocrite telling others don’t give up when they want to die, yet im planning on dying myself.     I feel like nothing I say matters, if im not going to listen to what others say as well.

Why am I going to finish getting the degree if I plan on killing myself?  to make my mom happy. she wanted me to go to college even though I didn’t want to.

Why am I going to move out of the house? so my family doesn’t see it happen or have to be around to deal with everything. not sure if im just going to do it outside where there isn’t anyone, or save up money buy an apartment and do it there.

 

 

Jamestown Story-Goodbye (I’m Sorry)


 

 

 

Published on May  5, 2012

Suicide is serious.
NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) With Help Comes Hope.
I’m here. I care.
Twitter: @LovingMusicLife Tumblr: http://fo-getthatbroskin.tumblr.com/
JAMESTOWN STORY-GOODBYE (I’M SORRY) JAMESTOWN STORY-GOODBYE (I’M SORRY) JAMESTOWN STORY-GOODBYE (I’M SORRY) JAMESTOWN STORY-GOODBYE (I’M SORRY)
ALBUM:BROKEN SUMMER ALBUM:BROKEN SUMMER ALBUM:BROKEN SUMMER ALBUM:BROKEN SUMMER
NO COPYRIGHT INTENDED. I DO NOT OWN THE MUSIC/SONG OR A FEW OF THE IMAGES.

 

 

iamanarchie


Uploaded on Aug 1, 2011

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Archie on Facebook – http://facebook.com/archiesfinalproject
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10 reasons why suicide is never the answer♥


<iframe width=”480″ height=”360″ src=”http://www.youtube.com/embed/1mkNnpexQyk?rel=0” frameborder=”0″ allowfullscreen></iframe>

“Life is precious”


“You shouldn’t want to wake up and kill yourself. That’s not what you were meant to do. Life is precious. We protect life, that’s what all the hospitals and doctors are for. Saving the tiny little babies, that are precious. Life is precious. You shouldn’t want to snuff out the precious life you have.”

“I am just trying to make a point. Life is precious.”

“Life is a vacation. Some people take the vacation in Florida, Colorado, or the Bahamas. There are going to be hard times. Sometimes you might get a crappy hotel. The car breaks down, the plane won’t start, or the cruise ship stops. Not all of the vacation is going to be paradise. Enjoy life. ”

“Give yourself pats on the back. You are getting good grades, you are going to college, and you want to become a social worker. How many people go to college? Not many.”

“What are your goals?  How about to not have suicidal thoughts? To not get hospitalized again? To not have a suicide attempt?”

“The goal of the medication is for you not to think about suicide anymore. You know yourself the best, do you want to continue?”

– Words from my psychiatrist.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

She looked me straight in the eye, with genuine concern and smiles. I just responded with ‘Ok’ and smiled back.

I didn’t tell her everything, I couldn’t with my mom in the room.. I don’t want my mom to know.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

I thought about editing it so it would seem like it could fit to the general person who read it, but that wouldn’t be right because it wouldn’t be her actual words.   I hope if you read this, that you think about yourself and maybe consider getting help if you need it.

I kind of forgot a lot of what she said, it was a long ride back home and on the way I wished that I had recorded it so I could type the exact things, but hopefully you understand what I am trying to convey here.

You are awesome, and thank you for reading. I hope that you continue doing awesome, and I will try as hard as I can to continue living.. as I try, you will notice through my writing how I am doing.  I try to be honest here so it can help someone.

 

 

Conversation with a stranger. Subject: Suicide


You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You and the stranger both like suicide.

You: is suicide the answer?

Stranger: sometimes i think it is

You: what do you do to keep living?

Stranger: i dont have the guts to take my life

You: are you happy being alive?

Stranger: its not all that,

You: ok. thank you for the help

Stranger: o.o

You: I think its the answer. but I don’t want it to be, so I thought asking would help. it did, sort of.

Stranger: naaah its not the answer

You: why not?

Stranger: there’s so much to do

You: I don’t want to do anything.

Stranger: then thats just lazy. .-.

You: ok,  what is there to do?

Stranger: start a collection, take part in charity or hobby, raise money and set goals to achieve

You: what if its never going to be achieved? if you take part of something but it means nothing? if you start a hobby  but stop liking it?

Stranger: it’s always going to seem like that if you keep that attitude

You: what attitude am I supposed to have then?

Stranger: a positive one

Stranger: to keep moving forward

Stranger: think of somthing you want to change about yourself, then do it

Stranger: if not possible, accept it. it’s who you are

You: if who I am is a negative person, then what should I do?

Stranger: then change your outlook on life

Stranger: start writing poetry, keep a diary.

Stranger: then after you’ve changed your outlook, look back at the diary

Stranger: then you’ll see how much you’ve changed

Stranger: im pretty sure you’re still young

Stranger: and have your whole life ahead of you

Stranger: one day youll look back and think, “was that really me?”

Stranger: you’ll grow wise im sure

You: i write, ive kept a diary and i haven’t changed. and there are moments when i do but then i end up thinking negative again

Stranger: the same thing happens to me

You: but you must be pretty positive, if you’re giving advice and stuff.

Stranger: meh

Stranger: it all goes away when im depressed

Stranger: for no good reason

Stranger: .-.

You: do you do what you said?  writing and keeping the diary?

Stranger: i dont keep a diary, but i do write poetry.

You: does it help?

Stranger: it’s just a substitute for cutting. it helps get my feelings out which is a good thing i guess.

You: so you’re alive because there are things to do?

Stranger: basically

Stranger: well, i have school

Stranger: and i have interests that id like to keep

Stranger: and i wanna know what its like to fall in love, im waiting for that’

Stranger: its something for me to look forward to

Stranger: like going to my first strip club or something!:D

Stranger: or when im able to drive

Stranger: ot get into collage, get my own place, and a job

Stranger: or*

You: what happens after you do all of the things that you want to do? then what do you do?

Stranger: well

Stranger: the goals you set now

Stranger: probably arent going to be the same exact goals youll have as you get older

Stranger: because as you get older, you’ll set new goals

Stranger: and new oppurtunities will come your way

Stranger: you have your whole life to think about, all you need is hard work, and patience and everything will go smoothly

Stranger: rough times will come and go

Stranger: you’ll be able to pick yourself up after youve been knocked down

Stranger: especially with the new attitude im hoping you’ll grow into

You: is a plan like a goal?

Stranger: yea you can say that

You: ok

You: can i quote what you said?

Stranger: sure

Stranger: what are you quoting?

You: pretty much everything

4 years


this year makes it 5
but im not the age that makes it 5 years yet

anyway, years ago I attempted to kill myself
I didn’t get help until a couple years after that
they say when you try to kill yourself and talk to people about it, you hear a lot: don’t do it, its going to get better, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

well, years later after therapy and medication the therapy helped my self-esteem improve. the medication calmed my mom from worrying about my thoughts, even though she was against the whole medication thing.

has things gotten better? well, since then I have made more friends, more online friends.
I have continued going to school (not that I stopped or anything)
and I have tried to write more (but that hasn’t been going so well, as you can see.. I rarely write)
Things haven’t gotten worse. so there is a bright side.

I still think about suicide.. I try to help people that think about suicide… I try to do a lot of things and when it doesn’t work, I get bummed out and still try just like weeks later.

5 years ago I attempted to kill myself. after I got help, I started making plans to do it again, I talked about it and got more help. I haven’t talked about it since then, yet I still have plans. but my friends have been helpful, supportive, and inspiring. I have heard stories of how they made it through their troubles, and I just feel like they are awesome, and I think about myself and deny myself the opportunity saying: I am not strong enough to live.

Yet, 5 years ago. I’m still going. Do I like it? No. Am I happy? Sometimes. Am I going to kill myself? I plan to. Do I know when? No.
Because im waiting for something, even though I don’t have hope in the future or even tomorrow. even though I have help available and can talk to friends about it anytime.. im trying to live. im not looking for the meaning of life, or my purpose.. im not waiting for the perfect person to come and take me away from things… I honestly have no idea what im doing, other than planning and waiting.

Enjoy every moment, and maybe it can be awesome. Try not to be negative, and maybe you’ll get more friends. Love everyone, even if it hurts.

5 years ago I attempted to kill myself. I haven’t attempted since then. So hopefully this can help someone know that, if you keep pressing on… I don’t know. just don’t give up just yet, and my friend once told me “its ok to run away, but remember that you CAN come back.”

its not easy, but you can do it. I know you can, because you’re awesome, and you’re awesome because you’re alive and you’re alive because there is no one else like you and with that you can do anything.

Conversation With A Stranger. Subject: Suicide


You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You and the stranger both like suicide.

You: hi

You: hello?

Stranger: hi

Stranger: are you all right?

You: no

You: are you?

Stranger: meh im all right

Stranger: i had a migraine all day

Stranger: but its getting better now

You: that’s awesome to hear

Stranger: yeah i guess

Stranger: so now im on here trying to make it seem like i was at least a tiny bit social today

You: that’s awesome. coming here takes some courage

Stranger: for some people it does

Stranger: for others its just perversion

Stranger: but its good to know that there is also an informal support network for people who need it

Stranger: how was your day?

You: my day was ok until tonight

Stranger: oh no

Stranger: what happened?

You: i just finished talking to a guy that lives near my area, and we kind of made a suicide pact.

Stranger: well that’s no good

Stranger: i really hope you dont do that

You: part of me wants to part of me doesn’t. but he wants to, has the plan and everything

Stranger: well you should not let his decision affect you because its your life and you really only have this plane of existence to make your life better or worse

Stranger: theres no going back once you leave this plane

You: but in some places its against the law not to go through with it

Stranger: you mean to attempt it and fail?

Stranger: suicide itself is against the law too

You: it is?

Stranger: but they cant reprimand you if youre already dead

You: no i mean if i say i want to die with someone, and they die but i don’t because i changed my mind i could get arrested for helping or something

Stranger: yes

Stranger: that’s true everyehwre

Stranger: but you havent made a pact with him theres no way to legally do that so

Stranger: dont worry

Stranger: really you arent obligated to go through with it no matter what anyone says

You: i would still feel bad

Stranger: not as bad as your family would feel if you left them just because you felt obligated to follow a stranger into death

Stranger: you have to think it through and make your own decision

Stranger: he has no right to tell you to follow him

You: being blamed for someones death doesn’t feel good either. knowing you let someone die.

you’re saying really awesome stuff

Stranger: you cant do anything for him if he really wants to go through with it

Stranger: you wont be blamed, and you will be blamed moreso if you instigate his actions by helping him have the courage to do it

Stranger: instead what you should really do is try to show him how to be strong by NOT going through with it

You: i see what you mean.

Stranger: why do you want to die so badly?

You: because im not going to do good in the future.

Stranger: i feel the same way

Stranger: i feel hopeless to stop my inevitable regression

Stranger: but you dont know that for sure, if you know what i mean

Stranger: you can always change things

Stranger: and there are people who need you

Stranger: part of being healthy is not caring for yourself as much as you do for others

You: people that need me?

You: do you want to die too then?

Stranger: of course

Stranger: we all do

Stranger: but the trick is not letting your worst days get the better of you

Stranger: so you can live to see better days

Stranger: which WILL come

You: would you mind if i shared this conversation with others?

Stranger: of course

Stranger: that would be fine

Stranger: i just hope you can listen to yourself in your better moments

You: cool

You: what makes you happy?

Stranger: lots of things

Stranger: being in nature, helping others, learning what interests me, trying to make a difference

Stranger: sometimes nothing makes me happy

Stranger: and i feel paralyzed

You: i understand what that’s like.

You: so do you feel like dying right now, or are you ok

Stranger: when i come on here i try to help other people and that makes me feel better about myself

Stranger: im okay now ive just got a hurt back and i hate taking pain meds beause they make me feel so strange

You: does helping others ever make you feel worse?

You: that happens to me sometimes when i cant help

Stranger: well then you have to think about why you arent able to help

Stranger: is it because you dont understand their problem?

Stranger: in those cases you have to try to directly help yourself

Stranger: just be realistic and set it up like an experiment

Stranger: self analysis is really hard

Stranger: do you know how you would like do commit suicide

Stranger: ?

You: i have different ideas of how i would like to, but im not sure if any of them would really work successfully. i have attempted before

Stranger: i have never attemtped it

Stranger: only because i know i would not fail if i did try

You: sometimes i think that, when i think about certain ways of doing it. but i hear stories of how it doesn’t always work..

Stranger: which ways do you consider?

You: i think the sure-fire way would be a gun.
the second way would be pills.
The third way would be drinking a combination of things not meant for consumption.

You: and the way that could just end wrong would be jumping off something.

You: oh! setting yourself on fire would work, but that’s a lot of pain to go through

You: i learned that today.

Stranger: i always wanted to jump off this one cliff that i know

Stranger: it’s about 700 feet down onto jagged rocks

Stranger: theres no way you would live through it

Stranger: but who are we to decide that we cant be alive anymore

Stranger: why not give your life to a better cause

You: how about wait till you’re like super old? then if by 100 you still feel the same then do it

Stranger: fuck that

Stranger: by then i wont need to kill myself

Stranger: i will have been ddead for years already ahha

You: aim for 100 , some people make it past that which is pretty awesome

Stranger: yeah my great aunt was 106

Stranger: my great grandmother ws 101

You: wow, that’s cool

Memo To Suicidal Young People


MEMORANDUM

—————————————-

DATE: January 1, 1999

TO: Any Suicidal Young Person

FROM: Tony Salvatore

RE: Being a Parent Left Behind

—————————————-

Just over two years ago, in 1996, my oldest son, Paul, completed suicide. I do some pages on suicide in his memory (see The Suicide Paradigm) that a few people visit.

I hear from kids, teens, and young adults who have been suicidal. They say that my stuff lets them see what may have happened had they completed suicide. They feel that maybe if others thinking about suicide could see what happens to those who love them they might reconsider.

I’m going to tell you what it is like to “be left behind.” Maybe it will stop you from doing something stupid. Where I’m at right now comes down to three little words: Loss, Anger, and Pain — lots of each. This the eternal triangle of paternal grief. I live right in the middle and can’t move out. It’s a lousy neighborhood.

Loss is what happens to someone when you die. Paul’s death left me incomplete. It tore something out of me and I will never be the same again. Loss isn’t passive or arithmetic — subtract one son. It’s active, it grows, it’s a “black hole” that pulls everything in. I’m not whole and the hole won’t close. All loss is shit, suicide loss is the worst shit. Losing a kid to suicide is off the shit scale.

My anger came on when the shock wore off — when the attitude of the police, other official types, the medical examiner, etc., hit home. (Don’t make your family have those people in their face.) I got madder as I realized that my son’s death didn’t have to be. After I learned that those who could have prevented it didn’t care came rage. My anger has stopped growing but it hasn’t gotten any less intense.

My anger is also self-directed. I feel very responsible. I’m not angry at Paul, but I’ll never forgive myself for missing his suffering. I’ll never forgive those whom he told of his pain and his plan and who did nothing and who made damn sure that I knew it. Want your “friends” telling your folks that “we knew he was gonna do it.” Want your father to think about hurting them every day?

And then there’s pain. Pain comes on when loss starts boring into your soul. It gets worse as the inescapable reality of what happened sinks in. Then it becomes chronic. It still hurts, but in a different way. There are times when it still gets very bad. It’s always there. It’s something that I live with. Something that I don’t need.

Dealing with pain has nothing to do with being strong — nothing about this has made me better or stronger. It’s totally trashed me. My memories hurt, my thoughts about my son’s suffering hurt, the futility of his death hurts, seeing what it has done to my family, places that I associate with him hurt, interests that we shared hurt, seeing things he liked hurts, enjoying anything hurts, watching other men with their sons hurts, any family event hurts, holidays hurt, the anniversary of his death hurts, looking at anything that belonged to him hurts, and hearing about somebody else’s kid doing it hurts too, a lot.

Sure, you know about a “world of hurt.” But the hurting just spreads out after suicide. I don’t know how your folks will feel if they lose you, but I know for sure that it won’t be good. You think nobody cares? Think that they won’t give a damn? Listen: It’s not what you think of them or what you think that they think of you that matters. It’s what they think of you. You may not feel that they care, but you could be, and probably are, very, very wrong.

[I know that some of you may be in family situations where what I said really just doesn’t apply. If so, I’m very sorry. You may read on if you like, but please read the very last paragraph. Thanks!]

Should you tell them? Yes, absolutely. It may be hard to do so, and your folks may not know how to react. Trust me, it is better to be told that your child is suicidal (or anything else!) than that your child has completed suicide. That is the single most horrible thing that anyone can ever hear. Don’t put it off — ask for help. Being suicidal means going down the tube. In a few hours, days, or weeks you may hurt so much and care so little about yourself that you can’t do squat.

If you do it, all they’ll ever do is ask “why?” and never, never, never get the answer. You take that with you even if you leave a note. And they’ll play the “if only” game over and over and over again. It goes “what if we had done this” and “if only we’d done that” and “why didn’t he do whatever.” They’ll come up with a million “could of’s” and “should of’s” but they’ll always lose because they lost you.

Get some help N-O-W!!! That will drop your parents’ odds of joining my sad company. Don’t make them “suicide survivors.” It freaking sucks! First, get help with being suicidal. Next, get help with what took you there. Then get help to keep you from ever going back. Do it!

Suicide is like that bunny on TV – “it goes on, and on, and on and just keeps going.” Somebody said that those who complete suicide “leave their psychological skeletons in the survivors closets.” One thing’s for sure, suicide always leaves something messy, awful, hurtful, and unending behind. Suicide does nothing but screw things up for everybody forever.

All of this isn’t about me. Its about you. Its to get you to look out for yourself. You don’t have to die, but if you don’t fight it you will crash. You don’t decide to do it, you do it to end the pain. Suicide isn’t a choice, but you can make choices before you lose the ability to do so. Choose to care about yourself right now. Don’t do it. Nothing or nobody’s worth it. Screw ’em! Live!

Tony
Springfield, PA

Postscript: What I wrote above reflects how I felt a few years after losing Paul. Many who read this for the first time may think that I still feel that way. I’m not “over it” or “past it” or “healed,” but I am at a different place now. I have rebuilt my life around my loss. I haven’t forgotten but I’ve channeled my energy into things that maybe help keep others from following my path or Paul’s. Take care!

True friends tell.Sometimes preventing suicide is just a matter of speaking up.

Screening for Mental Health, Inc. 

Paul 1968-96

Copyright, Tony Salvatore, 1999-2010

Modified 10.11.05

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Suicidal Thoughts


Uploaded on Aug 2, 2010
Topic not talked about much but in the event that you find yourself in a bad place– consider this a “break in case of emergency” video.
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